If You Want Children, Wait Until Your 30s To Have Them
Five reasons to delay reproducing young humans
This is advice I never received.
My mother gave birth to me when she was 20. Her mother gave birth to her first child at 16.
My father was 18 when I was born. His mother had her first child at 15.
Where I come from, early motherhood is normal. I used to wonder why people waited later in life to have children — now I know.
I gave birth to my son at 21 years old. He’s now 14, and I talk to him about his future — goals, aspirations, and dreams. I tell him it’s ok to not know what he wants to do with the rest of his life yet, and I also tell him — to wait until you’re at least in your 30s to have kids.
Here’s why:
You need time to get to know yourself
Kids are great. They’re cute but demanding. They depend on you for all their needs, which means you are constantly under the awareness that they exist and need you to be present.
Our society doesn’t make self a priority, and so we spend our lives believing others come before us, and we have to share our lives — often at the expense of our own.
It’s important to get to know ourselves first and foremost, find out what we like and what we don’t like, explore the world, and have diverse experiences.
You need to experience living alone
As I said before, my maternal grandmother had her first child at 16, and went on to have 8 more. She never lived alone. From her teenage years on, she had to not only worry about having a roof over her head but making sure she had enough room for everyone else’s head as well.
Living alone helps you understand your own habits and preferences. Many people find out what noises they don’t like, level of tidyness they prefer by having roommates, even little ones. Developing your standard of living apart from anyone else’s rules or demands, gives you more clarity on the type of lifestyle you see yourself living. If you prefer a pristine home mirroring a museum, kids may not be for you. If you don’t mind a little mess or clutter, then children could be in your near future.
You need to travel
You definitely can travel with kids but isn’t it enough packing your own bag and not forget that bag of toiletries you’ll now have to purchase at your destination?
Kids are a ton of responsibility. God forbid you forget them or lose them in the crowd. This happens…a lot.
Traveling alone develops your sense of awareness, making you responsible for your sole safety and protection. It allows for exploration, meeting new people, staying out all night at foreign bars doing karaoke in a broken second language. It’s fun and you deserve that fun without having to call home ever so often to check on your sleeping angel.
When you do have children, you would have had so many traveling experiences that you know where to go and what the landscape is like already. You’ll be ready to experience these places with your family.
You need to heal
Many of us have children before we even understand that we are in need of healing. Unresolved traumatic experiences have a way of creeping up in our lives, most times when we least expect it. Patterns we have normalized and accepted as a way of life may not reveal themselves as problematic until later in your 20s or early 30s, and sometimes later than that.
Your children deserve a healed version of you. You deserve a healed version of yourself.
Passing down generational trauma is much too common in our society. We all are charged with breaking dysfunctional patterns within our families, and you may have children before you recognize your family has cycles that you’d rather not be repeated with your kids.
Healing is an ongoing process but recognizing that you have some elements of brokenness can raise your awareness of self, prompting you to seek support and be intentional in your process.
Children require a level of emotional and mental stability that you may not have to give yet before you begin your healing journey. Every child deserves to have stable and present parents. Save your future children the headache and begin your journey today.
You need some money
Taking care of yourself is a doozy, imagine having to have enough money to take care of yourself and a young human…it’s daunting. Having children at a young age almost guarantees that child living in poverty.
In 2020, 16% of the children in the US were living in poverty, with rates higher for communities of color at 71%. Given the pandemic, we can assume that number has probably increased, as data is still being collected to determine it is factual.
The average cost of raising a child through the age of 17 is $233,610, but I’d argue it’s significantly more than that. Room and board, food, clothes, education, vacations, gifts, birthday parties, and extracurricular activities add up. I’m certain I have spent more than that on my now 14-year-old. I’m also certain I spent that much within his first 6 - 8 years of life.
You need money to raise children. Point blank. They need things that cost money, and they still need money beyond the age of 18 because who just has money of their own at that age. Not to mention educational costs, more room, and board, food, and clothes.
Some parents prepare their children for total financial independence at 18 by telling them to go and figure life out. I agree with that tactic, if and only if, you have instilled major confidence, courage, and an attitude of persistence in your children.
The bottom line is you’re likely to have more money and be more established in your 30s than you were in your 20s or younger, so waiting until you can afford to have children is never a bad idea. You do not want to be crying at night about how you’re going to feed your children.
Take your time, and don’t rush the process of parenthood. Yes, it is an exciting chapter but it can quickly turn sour when you feel you’re unable to provide, have no time to yourself, and aren’t in a good mental space. Since our children are an extension of us, they can feel our pain whether or not they know the actual circumstances.
Children deserve more of us, and we deserve to enjoy the decision we made to have them. One of the ways to prepare for motherhood or fatherhood is to give yourself some grace, give yourself some love, give yourself some time and give yourself some space to live, experience, and grow.
Happy Parenting!
